Hi!
At THC headquarters, we’re all recovering after what was a blinder of an International Men’s Day event. We finished last week exhausted but happy.
Thanks to all of you who were able to come - we really appreciate you. 😊
One of our executive coaches, Steve Hobbs, has written us a reflection piece about his experience of the day, which we want to share with you. So here it is…
Walking into Conway Hall for THC and Token Man’s event on International Men’s Day, I was struck by the quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet inscribed on the wall, “To thine own self be true”. Amid the buzz of anticipation that filled the room, it inspired a moment of quiet contemplation. What does it mean for boys and men to be true to themselves in a world that has changed faster than the stereotypes about masculinity have kept up with?
As the event began, we heard about the dangers facing boys growing up in a digital world who, in the absence of visible role models at home, in school and in the community, are turning to the manosphere - handily placed to exploit the void. We also heard about the challenges facing men who are being asked to navigate new roles at work and at home. What emerged was something important and hopeful. The real crisis is perhaps not about masculinity at all. It is about connection.
The event opened with a wonderfully insightful conversation between an evolutionary psychologist and a 15 year old boy, who spoke beyond his years, in which we learnt that boys are innately conditioned for connection and competition. The manosphere is manipulating this, along with discrediting institutions such as school and family, in the pursuit of boys’ attention, clicks and, ultimately, money and power.
We were then asked, where are the role models? Boys look at men on screen, in sport, in celebrity culture, even at home and in the community and often do not see themselves reflected back. The manosphere fills the silence with certainty and belonging. It is not healthy, but it is available.
Why is this happening? Technological developments are part of it, but we must also recognise the pace of change to the expectations of men in society. The traditional model of men as workers and women as caregivers has shifted in the space of a single generation. More women are working full time and out-earning men. More men are caregiving, co-parenting and spending more time in the home. The ONS data on dual working households makes this clear. The world has changed, yet the language we use about gender roles has not.
NRG shared research on three identities men commonly hold. Men as Builders who focus on ambition and progress. Men as Leaders who take responsibility. Men as Providers where, interestingly, we still use the legacy language of the Breadwinner, despite the role of the male provider being so much broader than that. These ideas once offered structure but now, as they are being challenged by changing societal expectations, they offer ambiguity and tension.
This tension does not mean men are failing. It means the system has not caught up. As women work more, earn more, and occupy more jobs, men’s role as the provider is unwittingly threatened, cutting to the core of men’s sense of self-worth. At the same time, where leadership once might have meant authority and power, it now requires empathy and allyship. We are asking men to be allies, caregivers, high performers, emotionally available partners and positive role models to boys. The pressure to get all this right, without spaces to practise or talk about it, can take a toll on wellbeing. Professor Green, who amused me by being the only speaker to hold the mic like the rapper he is, resonated with his call to arms - “Men cannot be expected to be role models for boys if they are not okay themselves”.
How can men be okay? Therapy, as we heard from more than one speaker, is one way, but so is community. Men benefit from being included in spaces where they feel safe, where vulnerability is not exploited. These do not need to be exclusive spaces like, for example, the golf clubs of years gone by. Any space, including workplaces, can be psychologically safe if people listen, are curious and cancel judgement rather than each other.
And what about the boys? The event opened with a poignant poem by Hollie McNish which reminded us that the manosphere is real, but so are the countless boys who are already showing kindness, courage and empathy. I’ve already mentioned the inspiring Josh Sargent, who is defying expectations of age and modelling what leadership can look like in the next generation. Boys are capable of supporting one another. They can talk to each other. They can be open in ways previous generations struggled with. As we grapple with what being a role model is, perhaps, rather than being perfect heroes, it is to quietly create the spaces for boys to come together in real life and connect, positively, on their own terms, free from judgement – just like we said men need!
The conclusions from the event felt surprisingly simple. Men need safe spaces to talk and be supported. Boys need spaces to connect with each other. When men and boys have these spaces, they grow. Without them, they look elsewhere for answers.
Which brings us back to Conway Hall and the words on the wall. To be true to ourselves, we need connection, and we need community. I think this is neither a gender issue nor a generational one. This is a collective issue of human connection that we can all play an active role in improving. In a world that has become fractured by technology, workplaces have a real opportunity to create cultures where people can come together, be real, speak honestly, learn skills of empathy and accountability, and support one another. When we do this, and when we remain true to thine own self, while also respecting and supporting others, everyone thrives.
Steve.
ps - if any of you feel inspired to sponsor the event next year, let us know - we can’t do it without you!